Almost every day, I want to write a new blog post. I get up the courage (as in, I tell myself you actually want to read what I’m saying). I come up with an idea…. but by the time I’ve organized my thoughts I’m tired of that idea and abandon it and the whole “blogging” idea all together. It’s quite frustrating, because I really do love it! So you get one about every six months. Haha!

But I’ve been needing to write all this out for a long, long time.

Today, I will not give up.

I have been accepted to Brigham Young University-Idaho for the Winter/Spring track. What does this mean? Let me tell you:

This means I will be going to school for three semesters in a row (Sept-Dec at College of Idaho, Jan-July at BYU-I).

It means I am moving away from my family, friends, and any idea of a comfort zone or a sense of security.

It means I am moving to eastern Idaho (something I swore I would never do) in the dead of winter, when my whole heart and soul screams for hot weather 99% of the time. Except when I sleep… but I digress.

What else does my Winter/Spring track assignment mean? It means that in ten days, I will be on the road to the unknown, to snow, and to sorting out my transferring credits (or lack thereof) for the second time in as many years.

I have a lot to say on this subject, but I am probably going to break it up into separate posts. Today, I have some random thoughts about how I’ve acted about moving to Rexburg (AKA the Iceburg). That sentence was pretty convoluted. I’ve got some thoughts floating around in my noggin. Those thoughts concern my recent attitude towards my choice to move to Rexburg.

Here is a really great picture of how I’ve been acting lately:

If you know anything about me, you know I quite detest chickens. They’re ugly, and they make those freaky squaaaaaaaaacking noises, and they run around and sorta half-fly just to eye level, and they peck your feet and they chase you around like THEY want to eat YOU. But, as we know, being called a “chicken” is a great way to tell someone they’re a coward.

And I’m being a chicken. A big, fat, chicken-y chicken!

All day long, every day, I have a million thoughts running races around my brain seeing how fast they can freak me out. Most of them are completely absurd – funny even – but freaky nonetheless:

What if I don’t make any friends in Rexburg? What if I slip and break my face on the ice and something weird happens where they have to cut my face off and then I have a John Travolta/Nicolas Cage situation where someone goes around being crazy with my face on their body and no one believes that it’s really not me? What if I get attacked by a gang of miscreants? What if no one ever, never, ever wants to marry me and I’ll be destined to just die a fat old lady all alone, or what if I’m not alone but it’s because I have a bunch of cats everywhere? What if my friends forget all about me and even when I come back home they don’t care to see me? What if my favorite little gang of Johnson grandkids forgets who I am (and that wild little girl who will FINALLY give me hugs and be my friend doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore? What if I lose my creative soul that makes me want do all the weird stuff that makes me, ME? What if I wake up and I’ve turned in to a Molly You-Know-What?

I could keep going, they just get more and more ridiculous and funny… but they also get freakier and freakier.

So what is the point of all this? The point is that I’m going anyway.

I AM GOING ANYWAY. I AM MOVING TO REXBURG ANYWAY.

I can feel with all of my soul that this is the right choice for me right now, even if it is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I know, a lot of people tell me it isn’t scary. But to me, it really is. I know that I’m starting a new chapter of my life by making the choice to head off to the Iceburg. That also means I’m closing an old chapter. I worry that I’m leaving behind my only chance(s) for happiness. That my current friends will move on and I’ll fade into memory, and that I’ll never find any friends as true as them again. I worry I’ll never meet anyone who understands me and truly adores me and really loves me for who I truly am. I’m worried that I will not be able to get through the graphic design program… that I will fail… But guess what….

I AM GOING ANYWAY. I AM MOVING TO REXBURG ANYWAY.

My best friend in the whole world, Kayla, is one reason I’m especially sad to be moving away. It’s hard to picture being without her; we lived together at C of I last year and saw each other almost every day this year. Not only that, though. She is the truest friend I have ever had.

And let me tell you, I am kindof a hard friend to have sometimes… that’s not mean to be self-deprecating, it’s just true a lot of the time. I lose my possessions almost every day (for example, I currently have no idea where my car keys are). I’m scatterbrained and SO forgetful, even though I try really really REALLY hard to remember the things I’m supposed to be doing or bringing with me or whatever. I’m pretty emotional too, and I get really discouraged sometimes or freaked out or sad. Time doesn’t really mean anything to me even though I desperately want it to… I always overestimate the amount of time I have to do something… so I’m late to a lot of things.

But she is always there for me. Even when I lose my keys so we can’t leave; or I can’t find my phone and we have to wait; or I need to go back to my room to turn my straightener off; or I can’t remember what I’m doing at all… Even though I’m sure it frustrates her sometimes to always be waiting on me to do that one last thing I forgot to do, or to assemble my backpack at the very last minute possible, or to lose track of time and make us late, or that she has to say “Phone? (yes) Keys? (yes) Book? (Ah, I KNEW I forgot something!)” before we leave my room… She is always there, always supportive, always true and kind and helpful to me.

She also knows me. She knows that I will need something of a survival kit… which is exactly what she gave me for Christmas this year:

How to Survive Rexburg Without Your Best Friend:

OCP’s, Extra Butter popcorn, and Grape Drank (Fierce Grape Gatorade). These are our treats of choice, our go-to artery cloggers. Necessary for survival, and for not forgetting how awesome it is to eat unhealthy treats in the middle of the night.

Good-smelly-lotion, in case my new roommates don’t have lotion on their desks like she always did (that I always used).

“Valentine’s Day” for the time we were on a double date and saw the most intense (and only) girl fight we’ve ever seen. “Fired Up”…. because it’s “Fired Up,” and it’s hilarious!

The Glee Volume 7 CD because we can’t watch Glee together anymore… which was one of our FAVORITE pastimes.

Not only am I just straight up pumped that I have all this stuff, but it really will help me survive the change. Survive my fears. I am so thankful for Kayla, and that she has always been SO supportive and kind to me. I just love that girl…. and I will miss her. Thank goodness for Skype!

SO THE MORAL OF THIS STORY….. we make choices every day. I made the choice to go to Rexburg several months ago, but lately I have been whining and complaining and almost wishing I could just stay home…. and I could stay home…. but I know that is not what I’m supposed to be doing. I am CHOOSING to go to Rexburg, because I know it is the right choice for me. I can CHOOSE to feel bad about it, and be afraid, and freak out, and complain about the weather…. but the truth is, I know it is going to be a blast.

I CHOOSE TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT REXBURG.

That’s me. And my CHOOSE bracelet I made at the last Brave Girl Camp. And I wear that every day to remind myself that I make choices every single day, and it is my choice to be happy.

Merry Christmas my friends, and I hope you can choose happiness like I am.

xoxoxoxoxo

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