Optimistic, Insomnimaniacal Murmurs of a Drowsy Young Lady

I am not 100% awake right now, of this much I am certain.

But I can’t quite fall asleep. I wage this battle nearly every night. I say this with a bit of a smile on my face; it’s somewhat amusing to me how long it takes me to fall asleep. Most of the time.

Tonight, it’s amusing. I wonder if I’ll even remember writing this in the morning?

DEATH TRAP

Trying to fall asleep when you can’t is like playing on a merry-go-round. At first, you’re intrigued. “Why, what a funny little ride this is! I bet it’s fun even though it looks stupid and dangerous and rusty and ghetto.” Then, you figure you might as well enjoy it because you’re already spinning and you don’t really remember why you seemed to have made the conscious decision to get on such a barf machine.

As you spin faster and faster (or stay awake later and later, so we’re clear where this metaphor is going) you realize perhaps it isn’t so fun. The urge to stay on FOREVER (or to skip sleep altogether and pull an all-nighter every night for the next six weeks) keeps circulating through your brain… but you realize that this, too, wouldn’t be so fun. That would be the opposite of fun.

Finally you get sick of the spinning and nausea and blurred vision, and you dig your foot into the gravel to slow down (or, you lie in bed under a non-essential electric blanket). And yet… there you are, still nauseous and head spinning from that stupid merry-go-round ride you don’t remember getting on. And you’re not stopping (or sleeping).

And really, here I am writing a blog because I can’t fall asleep!

Not-sleeping feels exactly like that.

In any case, here are some deep (and some not-so-deep) wonderings floating in and out of my brain as I half heartedly try to fall asleep:

  • I wonder if it would be beneficial to me to only type in my transcriber’s shorthand that I use for work? (Excpt jn i wld b j only e who cld undrstnd what i’m typg. Myb I cld wrte scrt ntes like lnrdo da vnci. Or was jt mchlnglo?)
  • Did Adam and Eve have to sleep before the Fall? I wonder if they ever had problems with insomnia. I feel like it would be pretty boring to know neither joy nor sorrow, nor pleasure or pain.
  • I am so thankful for non-essentials like my electric blanket, and my vases, and my lamp, and my little rubber ducky named Arnold on the dash of my car. AMERICA!
  • Will the wind ever stop blowing here? Maybe during the Millennium, there will be no unpleasant wind. Or maybe we just won’t find it unpleasant?
  • I always develop this weird cough right as I try to go to sleep….. maybe I should stop working in ye olde coal mines.
Orange mocha frappuccinos!

I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop.

  • I’m tired.
  • My tummy is growling, and I want to eat a corn dog. And fried chicken. I want to eat grapes.
  • 44 ounces of Diet Dr. Pepper never seems like enough. And that, my friends, is how one identifies him- or herself as an addict. When novelty-sized beverages seem like a normal portion a human should digest…. Yikes.
  • I need a Sonic Sunshine Smoothie, STAT.
  • Why do most of these deal with food?
  • I also want mozzarella sticks from Sonic. I want SONIC.

The way to my heart is with 44 oz. of DDP

  • I miss Dallin and Jake.
  • [Now this is just stream of thought writing.]

Writing this can’t be helping me fall asleep. I will now abandon this for prayer, meditation, and despairing giggles as I try to fall asleep.

Good night, Moon.

xoxo
J-Dub

One Month, Facebook Free!

I have been off Facebook for a month.

Technically, I have gotten on Facebook twice for like 2 minutes. Strictly business. Seriously.

IT HAS BEEN GREAT!!!!

I finally learned the Lindy Hop.

 

I’ve been thinking so much. I’ve been talking to people, and dancing my brains out, and listening to my soul. Really listening. I just wanted to tell you that if you haven’t taken a Facebook fast… I really recommend it. I have a real knack for beating myself up, and Facebook was that for me. Facebook is that for me, still.

I am going to be journaling these questions tonight, from this post by the Brave Girls Club. I love the Brave Girls Club… I hope you will check them out.

Anyway… I feel so blessed from all the support people are giving me. Please email me if you want to hear from me… or call me… or text me.

P.S. – I feel so conflicted. Do I stick with my proclamation of being a Colts fan? Do I follow Peyton Manning to Denver? Do I succumb to my unwarranted disgust for the Denver Broncos, and stick with the Colts? Do I continue my distaste for the Broncos and follow Tim Tebow to the Jets?

 

I know what Tayler would say.

Good Morning, Starfish.

Let me spin you a little yarn of how my day went today.

I really, really, REALLY hope you read this whole thing… because it means so much to me. There are a lot of pictures to follow…. you’ll see.

Actually, I just looked up the definition of “yarn,” and I will not be telling you “a long or rambling story, especially one that is implausible.” Because this is not implausible. It is wonderful, and so sweet, and so true.

I make no guarantees about the rambling.

Image

I'm a rambler.

Allow me to preface this with a short story about myself… I have been going through some things here in the Iceburg. I’ve been somewhat confused about what I’m supposed to be doing… where I’m supposed to be going… what my future holds… what I’m supposed to do with my life… how I can help make the world a better place….

I don’t want to sound dramatic. I know this is the life of a single 20-year old lady-woman-girl-person. Suffice it to say that I have been having horrible sleep anxiety until 1 or 2 a.m., and bad or weird or confusing dreams, and an anxious feeling in my heart and mind while I’m awake… for quite some time now.

I have also been making big decisions about the previously mentioned stressors that give me even more reason to not want to stop, to just keep going and going and going. Leaving no time to think and be and rest. Which, thanks to my Facebook fast, is exactly what I was forced to do.

"Good morning, Starfish." - The Chad, Charlie's Angels

Through all this, my dear sweet Starfishes (roommates) have been watching. They’ve seen me cry and freak out and feel so confused I can’t remember who I am. They’ve stayed up with me as long as they could so I wouldn’t be sitting awake alone… usually until I am so tired I can barely move, or until I’ve already fallen asleep and I awake to, “Jerrold, I’m going to sleep. Do you want to come downstairs, too?” They’ve made me popcorn, and watched movies with me while they’re supposed to be doing their homework, and given me little pokes of affection when I need them.

When I went to bed last night I said a very, very long prayer. I am making some decisions that I will share with you later when they are finalized… but I also asked for a little help. Some help with the decisions I’m making. A little extra help to know that I’m on the right path… a little help to keep my hope alive that I’ve been making the right decisions all this time.

Off goes my alarm clock this morning.

As I walked out of my room, I found this sticky note on the floor outside my room:

… then i saw this one …

Image

… at this point, I thought “Oh what sweet roommates we have to leave everyone nice little notes all over the place!” I have incredible roommates, and this is definitely something any of them would do for every one of us.

Then I found this one:

Let me give you a hint. I am the only person who fits this description in our apartment (the self-taught part, I mean). So, I went about my morning thinking we all were left little notes that would strike a chord within us. That one was for me, this one was for Nena, that one’s for Lizzie, etc.

As I went around our apartment…

… and I found more and more of these little sticky notes everywhere [hover over them to see where I found them]…

… I started to wonder who wrote them. So much love went in to leaving this little trail of notes… serious time and effort to write this many notes… to leave them in the perfect places for all of us to find them…

I’m telling you. These things are EVERYWHERE.


….. and THEN…….

I noticed that my bedroom door and my food cupboard were the only ones with sticky notes on them:

I thought that was strange… and when my roommate Lizzie came upstairs, she told me the secret:

They were all for me.

All the little notes and words of encouragement I had been admiring all morning… were for me.

There were even some INSIDE my cupboard:

And do you see that stack of papers and little note card? That’s a talk called “Forget Me Not” by one of the leaders of our church… it’s like hearing an inspiring message from a best friend… you should totally read it.

In case you don’t really want to…. here’s a teensy little excerpt that says exactly what I needed to hear right now:

“As a child, when I would look at the little forget-me-not, I sometimes felt a little like that flower – small and insignificant. I wondered if I would be forgotten by my family or by God. Years later I can look back at that young child with tenderness and compassion. And I do know now – I was never forgotten. You are never forgotten. Wherever you are, whatever your circumstance may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love. God loves you because you are his child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.”

And the note card had a sweet, darling note addressed to “Starfish” and signed “Love, Starfish”….

and when I realized they really were for me… these two sticky notes I found last night made even more sense:

I don’t want to get too religious….. but I believe in God. I believe in our Redeemer and Savior Jesus Christ. And I love them so, so much…. and let me tell you. I know they love me. And you.

I prayed with all of my whole heart and soul last night to have just a little help… just a little something to help me make it through today, because really… I couldn’t have taken one more step alone. I have been working my very hardest to figure things out, and to follow what He wants me to do… but I knew I needed just a little help. I recently decided on some pretty big things (again, I’ll tell you about those later!)… and I needed to know that I’m headed in the right direction.

God knows better than us what we need. We work and go and learn and work some more until we can’t go any further, and when we ask for a little bit of help walking the rest of the way… perhaps just a hand to hold while we try to make it… He picks us up and sprints with us. He gives us strength we didn’t know we had.

I hope I’m not getting too religious. But friends, I feel like I just had jumper cables connected to my heart and mind and soul. For the past few weeks I’ve been walking and slowing down and falling and slipping and getting turned around and lost and confused….. and I’m ready to RUN again. All ahead full (another Titanic reference… well, to ME it’s a Titanic reference…) in the right direction. It’s not the easiest direction… but I know it’s the right one for more reasons than I can tell you right now. I’ll tell you later, I promise!

I really needed this today, this week, this month, this year… I love my roommates. They knew exactly what I needed, and they didn’t hesitate to help a sista out. Even before this, they counsel me, and let me cry and freak out to them, and they remind me of all the things I need to know. I am SO THANKFUL for Nena, Anna, Lizzie, Kirsten, and Melissa. I love them so much, and I don’t know what I would do without them. They are so supportive, and so wonderful… With tears streaming down my face, let me end with this:

YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.

Even in your lowest times, your saddest moments, your darkest days, when you are feeling WEARY and WORN OUT… you are not forgotten.

I am so thankful for so many things, and for so many people….. I love you all!!!!!!!

Love always,
Jeri Lynn

That’s All

1. “How long should you try? Until.”
– John Rohn

Okay… First, I want to make a BIG, HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT that I think is THE COOLEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD!!!

As of March 1st, my dear mother, Jamie, has quit smoking for a WHOLE ENTIRE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aren’t we cute? I never believed that we looked like each other when I was a kid… people would tell me all the time. This picture speaks for itself.

I am so proud of my mom! I know she’s wanted to quit a few times before, and I am SO PROUD of her for making it this long. Want some fun facts about how beneficial it is to quit smoking? OKAY!!!

  • 20 minutes after quitting smoking: blood pressure decreases, pulse rate drops, body temperature in hands and feet increases
  • After 24 hours: chance of heart attack decreases
  • After 48 hours: nerve endings begin regrowth, ability to taste and smell improves
  • Between 2 weeks and 3 months: Circulation improves, walking becomes easier, lung function increases
  • After one year: the excess risk of coronary heart disease is cut in half! (Cigarette smoking is directly linked to 30% of all heart disease deaths in the United States each year.)


Isn’t that great?!?!! Isn’t SHE great??? Way to go, Mom!!!!!!!!

2. “To be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love.” – Jane Austen

Okay. I don’t really have an opinion about Jane Austen. I am ashamed to admit that I have never read anything she’s written… and even more ashamed to admit I’ve always wanted to but never gotten around to it… but I do love to watch Pride & Prejudice. Also I’m taking a Jane Austen class next semester!

But that’s not the point. The point is…

Dancing.

The point is always dancing.

And I have become wildly addicted to ballroom dancing.

I dance in my kitchen while waiting for my dinner to cook. Just last night, I waltzed with myself to Ella Fitzgerald while my scalloped potatoes cooked on the stove. Seriously. I don’t just walk down the hallway to my bedroom; I spin and twirl and imagine the music that goes with it. My body sways to basically any kind of music and tries to figure out what kind of dancing I could do to match it.

Dancing makes me feel like I’m alive. I mean, REALLY alive. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been watching old black and white movies with my granny Madge. Movies about love, and fun, and freedom, and tragedy, and hope, and elegance, and singing, and success, and failure, and more fun and more love. When I go dancing, I feel like my soul is enjoying itself. Like my soul says, “I’ve been waiting my whole life for this!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!”

And sure, I don’t have a big sparkly dress to wear….

and I don’t have a dance partner who looks Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby….

and I may not ever even date someone who really knows how to dance… but my soul jumps and screams and giggles for joy when I waltz.

My Facebook fast is going swimmingly. I go dancing four nights a week (class Tuesday, Country Dancing Wednesday, class Thursday, Ballroom Dancing Friday). I am reading and thinking and praying and making big decisions. I’ll tell you about those later. I baked some delicious snickerdoodles yesterday to feel in control of at least one part of my life. And life is GREAT!!!

You BYU-Idaho people….. come to ballroom nights!!!!! Especially the men! More men should learn to dance!!! Seriously. Just come waltz already.

Okay. I’m off my soap box now.

PS — check out this video. Not only is the song just so sweet and great, but the movie is hilarious! This video makes me laugh and sigh at the same time. Check it out.

Country walks in springtime? A hand to hold when leaves begin to fall?

Deal.

Here’s the Michael Buble version, in case the… dancing… is too distracting. Or the mullets.

Maybe Michael Buble will come dance with me?

Okay. I’m done.

Love always,
Jeri Lynn